Poly and non-monogamy

I hadn't planned on writing this post just yet but in light of recent events I feel like I want to get this out there. I don't plan on ranting very often on asexy on sex but be aware that there is more than a little emotion behind what I am going to say. I'll do my best to stick to the point though. Thanks.

So, non-monogamy and polyamory. There are many reasons why this kind of relationship might work out well for someone that is asexual, especially if they are dating someone that is sexual in orientation. Something that is important is that we get our needs met, including sexual ones. If you are not willing/able to be sexual with a partner, or even to be sexual often enough that their needs are met then it's a valid option. Even if your partner is getting their needs met sexually it's still a valid option anyway. I personally am of the opinion that there is no The One for most people, that to be in a monogamous relationship with no option for other (even non sexual - like queer platonic) relationships isn't particularly healthy much of the time. That's not to say that it isn't possible, that it doesn't happen (my own parents are prime examples of this. They are still disgustingly cute at over 30 years of marriage.) or anything like that. I am however, not monogamous. It honestly baffles me a little bit, this idea of being monogamous for ever. If that works for you though, awesome. Have at it.

There is also the option of being in a mono-poly kind of relationship where one partner is monogamous and the other is not. It's not an unreasonable thing to happen, and in the cases where one partner is asexual and the other is not it is something that might help the relationship stay healthy.

There are some important things to remember however;

1. Don't open up a relationship to try to solve existing problems. It's just a bad idea and tends to make the relationship worse, not better. There are a whole new host of issues that come along with being poly or non-monogamous, especially at first, that I have seen few non-stable relationships successfully go from monogamy to non-monogamy without falling apart. Quite often bitterly. This does include some of my own relationships as I learned this lesson the hard way.

2. Be honest. Whatever the guidelines there are in an open relationship this is one of the most important ones. Honesty is vital. If a partner wants to know when you've been sleeping with another person you NEED to tell them. There is no quicker way to destroy a relationship than lying. Cheating is still cheating even when you're non-monogamous if there is an expectation that your partner(s) be told. This is for more than just peace of mind too, there are a whole host of issues that come along with multiple partners not the least of which are STI's. While I am an advocate of regular checks, even when you're not sexually active (though less in that case), I get that it's a person's choice. However, not being honest about what is going on can put your partner(s), and their partner(s) at risk. I get a check up ever 3 months when I am active and 6 when I am not. Make an informed decision based upon your own well being. Being asexual, especially one that is sexually active with a non-monogamous partner, doesn't mean you can't get an STI. There are infections that can be passed person to person asymptomatically and unless you do the tests you could be a vector for the infection.

3. Trust your partner. This is also vital and is based upon the premise that your partner is following #2 up there. If your partner is honest, trust that they are following whatever rules you have in place. While I am liable to forgive a mistake once, you have to look at your own mental well being if something happens to break your trust. It is damaging in many ways to have your trust in your partner broken, you have to look at the relationship and decide if you want to do the work with that partner to repair that damaged trust. People aren't perfect by any means and if you can do it, forgiving a mistake or two isn't a bad thing. It's when the behavior becomes a pattern that you run into issues, but that is dependent on what happened and how your relationship was structured before that to determine the extent of what is going to occur.

There are other things that are important in any relationship, but especially the non-monogamous kind. One of these is communication. If there is a problem, if your needs aren't being met, whatever, communicate what is happening with your partner(s). Work with your partner(s) and their partner(s) to make sure that everyone is getting what they need, this may not involve being one big happy family. Remember - your relationships don't need to have equal everything. So long as needs are being met then it's peachy. If you spend an hour per day with partner A that doesn't mean that their other partner needs to do that. Their relationship could be one where an hour a week, or a month or maybe it's just during that one conference off in Vegas, so long as they are content and you are getting your needs met it's all peachy.

Notice I have a common refrain throughout this: getting your needs met.

This isn't just physical. This is mental, emotional, everything. You could need to go on walks and hold hands with a partner for it to feel right. Okay, so find a partner you can do that with. That's not to say you need to do that with every partner (or maybe you do. Okay then) but make sure you get your time for your things. I recommend being willing to make time for your partner(s) needs too. Obviously not if it's something you aren't willing to do, but if you can and are willing then indulge. Unless that's not part of your relationship. I have known my fair few people that were in relationships they were perfectly happy in where the pair met up for dinner, had about 3 hours of wild kinky sex then went back home to their houses where they had a completely vanilla relationship with their primary partners. The two did this about once a month on average, their respective partners knew what was going on and were happy to let it occur since neither were interested in kink. It's not important to be EQUAL to the other people, in fact there are times where that is precisely what is not wanted, it's important that everyone feel like they are getting what they NEED.

And a fair bit of what they want too, since wants are fun.

Want some more info about poly and non-monogamy? Check out these awesome books:
 Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristain Taormino.
and The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures

Masturbation for one

There is nothing wrong with masturbation.

It doesn't make you not asexual to enjoy masturbating, it doesn't make you wrong, amoral, pathetic, or any other bs reason people give for not masturbating. I am a firm believer that masturbating is a healthy thing to do and at the same time you don't have to. If you feel no need to masturbate because you don't feel like it, or because you are satisfied with your current level of sexual activity or any number of other reasons that is just fine. HOWEVER - if you don't masturbate because you don't get off, or because it is too much work, or, or, or. I reccomend that you try again. Use toys, watch porn, read a book (and it doesn't even have to be an erotica), cuddle with a partner, whatever you need to do to make it engaging for you. There are so many ways to masturbate that there is no reason not to find one that you like.

I suggest that people start off by learning about their anatomy, there are so many good books out their on anatomy that are awesome (for a really detailed look at anatomy check out This) I love The Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides and the peoples over at goofy foot press. During and after you read into your sexual anatomy lay down somewhere comfortable, get a pillow to prop you up a bit and a decent side mirror that you can still move around to see between your legs.

Explore. Touch yourself, move things around, poke at things, taste the fluids that come out of you. If you have an innie get yourself a speculum and look inside, find your cervix. Actually look, touch and pay attention to what feels good, what feels meh and what you don't like. Spend a decent amount of time doing this too - you need to be intimately familiar with your body. Name the parts and poke them, stroke them, pinch them, rub on them. You might get distracted and find yourself starting to get off which is just fine. Get down with yourself. Then go back to learning your body.

Now that you've learned about what is between your legs learn the rest of your body. Touch your legs, your chest your neck. Pull on your ears, pinch your nipples. Figure out what else you like because sex isn't just between your legs. You can get off from other things. There are plenty of people who don't involve their genitals in masturbation. I have a friend who has taught herself to get off by playing with her nipples. Another who runs marathons because they can orgasm about once every mile while they run. Figure out where you like firm touch and soft touch. Where you like the feeling of fur, or silk, or leather, or anything else on your body.

If you want more reading into getting off The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex is awesome for more than just masturbation but a lot of the techniques and ideas can be applied to yourself too.

Not sure about using your fingers? Try a toy. There are so many that you can use, if you aren't sure about what to get go into a local shop and ask questions. If you aren't comfortable with that go online to places like The Smitten Kitten or Babeland. If you aren't comfortable with that there are some undercover toys you can get like the Wahl Massager which I have and love. Or any one of hundreds of other vibrating 'massagers.' I have even wandered through the dollar store looking for things I can pervert -  you would be amazed and what they have that can be used for personal pleasure and no one needs to know.

There is nothing wrong with not using toys either. Fingers and imagination are awesome too.

I am of the opinion that mental masturbation is a great, fulfilling thing too. Living in my parents house at the moment masturbating can be... awkward. You know what works like a charm - writing erotica. It doesn't matter if you feel like you're not a talented writer or if you write for a living. Sit down and write out your fantasies, or close your eyes and think about what would be hot to you. It doesn't matter if you don't want it to happen in real life or not. It's a fantasy. That's the beautiful thing about them. You can go all out.

I am asexual and, while I am not against having intercourse, I am also not someone that goes out and jumps my partners. Heck, I am in a very happy platonic relationship with my girlfriend. That being said I adore fantasizing about sex. It doesn't get me off but I love thinking about it in every way possible. It's my favorite form of mental masturbation. I come up with every type of situation I can thing of and even ponder what the physical sensations would be.

In this way you can be sexually active with yourself even if physical intercourse isn't your thing, even if masturbation isn't your thing, even if you've broken your toy and are saving up to get a new one.

** note - the amazon product links are a way for me to try to make some income to get books and products to review for the blog. You don't need to buy what I recommend - in fact if the books I suggest that you are interested in are at a local bookshop or toy shop get them there. I will get new books and toys anyway and they need to be supported. <3 if you do feel like buying things from amazon - click one of my amazon links and then navigate to the stuff you were going to get anyway. If you tell me that you bought through my affiliate I will thank you by name (of your choice) the next post I write.**

What the hell is sex?

What is sex?

It's complicated. 

There is penis in vagina (piv) which is that stereotypical high school sex ed answer but really? No, it's way more. 

We have a variety of genitalia, people and experiences that are involved in sex, especially with the advent of the Internet for sexual expression. Sex is such a personal thing we need to look at what we think is sex and what that means for us, that being said what is sex for you isn't neccisarily sex for another person. Unless you're involved with the person what they think of as sex - so long it's between consenting adults - isn't your business to patrol. If jack thinks oral is sex and you think jack penetrating you is sex unless you're giving jack oral dont police them. 

For some asexual people the act of cuddling is more sexual or more intimate than piv is. That is okay. From mouths to hands to strap ons the experiences of coming together with other people can be sex and is important. Hands and toys and imaginations with yourself can be sex as well and is just as important. None of these expressions are better or have more value than another.

If you have other people you're having sex with one of the biggest things to make sure of is that you are talking to them, about what you want, what you expect, what you like and don't like, and all of these things from their point of view. Sex isn't just about genitalia it's about everything surrounding sexual expression - asexual people have sexual expressions as well be it choosing not to engage in sexual intimacy, being uncomfortable with certain forms of sexual expression, being sluts and more. 

If you have questions about genitalia, about alternate non piv forms of sexual expression, about sexual expression for one, ask in the comments and ill do my best to look more in depth on the ideas.

A note of a personal nature - I am currently going through some medication issues and my ability to parse sentences clearly is somewhat compromised as is my ability to focus, especially on the bright iPad screen i tend to write on, forgive this being short and not entirely what I was hoping for with regards to the topic. When I am feeling better I plan on doing a what is sex revised where I can go more in depth on the topic and specifics but for right now this is th best I am up for. 

Welcome to asexy on sex

Welcome to asexy on sex!

I am an asexual but that isn't all that I am. The frame I am writing from is as a sex educator in training, a queer, polyamorous, panromantic, kinky, disabled, skeptical, sex obsessed, psychologist, and nerd. I am not always right and don't always have "the right" answer or even always an answer at all. I will be looking at various topics in sex, sexuality, relationships and more hopefully in contexts that matter to people who are asexual.

In would love questions and suggestions from everyone - email me or comment on my posts, whichever is more comfortable. 

I am also open to guest blog posts from people and suggestions for future posts.

Things I plan on writing about include:

Genitalia

Relationships

Social justice

Psychology

Books, blogs, and podcasts

Networking

Sexual pleasure

Sex toys

Coming out

Orientation

And more!

Let me know what you think of my blog, how I am doing and if you enjoy my writing share it with your friends!