So, non-monogamy and polyamory. There are many reasons why this kind of relationship might work out well for someone that is asexual, especially if they are dating someone that is sexual in orientation. Something that is important is that we get our needs met, including sexual ones. If you are not willing/able to be sexual with a partner, or even to be sexual often enough that their needs are met then it's a valid option. Even if your partner is getting their needs met sexually it's still a valid option anyway. I personally am of the opinion that there is no The One for most people, that to be in a monogamous relationship with no option for other (even non sexual - like queer platonic) relationships isn't particularly healthy much of the time. That's not to say that it isn't possible, that it doesn't happen (my own parents are prime examples of this. They are still disgustingly cute at over 30 years of marriage.) or anything like that. I am however, not monogamous. It honestly baffles me a little bit, this idea of being monogamous for ever. If that works for you though, awesome. Have at it.
There is also the option of being in a mono-poly kind of relationship where one partner is monogamous and the other is not. It's not an unreasonable thing to happen, and in the cases where one partner is asexual and the other is not it is something that might help the relationship stay healthy.
There are some important things to remember however;
1. Don't open up a relationship to try to solve existing problems. It's just a bad idea and tends to make the relationship worse, not better. There are a whole new host of issues that come along with being poly or non-monogamous, especially at first, that I have seen few non-stable relationships successfully go from monogamy to non-monogamy without falling apart. Quite often bitterly. This does include some of my own relationships as I learned this lesson the hard way.
2. Be honest. Whatever the guidelines there are in an open relationship this is one of the most important ones. Honesty is vital. If a partner wants to know when you've been sleeping with another person you NEED to tell them. There is no quicker way to destroy a relationship than lying. Cheating is still cheating even when you're non-monogamous if there is an expectation that your partner(s) be told. This is for more than just peace of mind too, there are a whole host of issues that come along with multiple partners not the least of which are STI's. While I am an advocate of regular checks, even when you're not sexually active (though less in that case), I get that it's a person's choice. However, not being honest about what is going on can put your partner(s), and their partner(s) at risk. I get a check up ever 3 months when I am active and 6 when I am not. Make an informed decision based upon your own well being. Being asexual, especially one that is sexually active with a non-monogamous partner, doesn't mean you can't get an STI. There are infections that can be passed person to person asymptomatically and unless you do the tests you could be a vector for the infection.
3. Trust your partner. This is also vital and is based upon the premise that your partner is following #2 up there. If your partner is honest, trust that they are following whatever rules you have in place. While I am liable to forgive a mistake once, you have to look at your own mental well being if something happens to break your trust. It is damaging in many ways to have your trust in your partner broken, you have to look at the relationship and decide if you want to do the work with that partner to repair that damaged trust. People aren't perfect by any means and if you can do it, forgiving a mistake or two isn't a bad thing. It's when the behavior becomes a pattern that you run into issues, but that is dependent on what happened and how your relationship was structured before that to determine the extent of what is going to occur.
There are other things that are important in any relationship, but especially the non-monogamous kind. One of these is communication. If there is a problem, if your needs aren't being met, whatever, communicate what is happening with your partner(s). Work with your partner(s) and their partner(s) to make sure that everyone is getting what they need, this may not involve being one big happy family. Remember - your relationships don't need to have equal everything. So long as needs are being met then it's peachy. If you spend an hour per day with partner A that doesn't mean that their other partner needs to do that. Their relationship could be one where an hour a week, or a month or maybe it's just during that one conference off in Vegas, so long as they are content and you are getting your needs met it's all peachy.
Notice I have a common refrain throughout this: getting your needs met.
This isn't just physical. This is mental, emotional, everything. You could need to go on walks and hold hands with a partner for it to feel right. Okay, so find a partner you can do that with. That's not to say you need to do that with every partner (or maybe you do. Okay then) but make sure you get your time for your things. I recommend being willing to make time for your partner(s) needs too. Obviously not if it's something you aren't willing to do, but if you can and are willing then indulge. Unless that's not part of your relationship. I have known my fair few people that were in relationships they were perfectly happy in where the pair met up for dinner, had about 3 hours of wild kinky sex then went back home to their houses where they had a completely vanilla relationship with their primary partners. The two did this about once a month on average, their respective partners knew what was going on and were happy to let it occur since neither were interested in kink. It's not important to be EQUAL to the other people, in fact there are times where that is precisely what is not wanted, it's important that everyone feel like they are getting what they NEED.
And a fair bit of what they want too, since wants are fun.
Want some more info about poly and non-monogamy? Check out these awesome books:
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
by Tristain Taormino.and The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures
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